I met an American tourist the other day, near Kasarwadi (Pune). We struck on a light conversation and in the midst of the conversation I asked him – “So what all did you see in Pune?”, to which he candidly replied in a typical American accent-
“Shaniwar Wadcha, a red palace, Lonawaala, and…. ummmm… cow dung!
I mean… lot of cow dung!”
And that gave me a thought of writing about the types of poops every Indian has to deal. If it is your bad day, you might see all the four types mentioned below in one f**king day. So be ready to go on a “puke ride” as we bring you several types of Poops Indians see every day.
1. Cow Dung
Cow dung! Well well…. I am sure that my fellow Indians can relate to this very clearly.
Quantity of Cow dung in India >>>>> Quantity of Anything in India.
Cow dung becomes a tricky proposition, especially when you are on cellphones. It is literally impossible to find a road (atleast in Pune) that is not splotched by cow dung.
Technically, there are three variants as per the substantial structure of cow dung.
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- Fresh Dump
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- Semi-Dried Dump
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- Dried Dump
a. Freshly dumped: This form of cow dung is the most dangerous stuff you can ever step into. I wouldn’t want the worst of my enemies to even accidentally step on this dung. Its wet, splotchy and the smell is so pungent that you would hate yourself all your life for stepping on it.
b: Semi Dried: This variant can be best described in Hindi as Bahar se Crunchy, Andar se Juicy. This is the most trickiest cow-dung you would step into because firstly,the color of the dung would be very light as its surface has dried up and chances are that you wont notice it because of camouflage type of effect and secondly, the smell is trapped inside the dried up hard surface, so the moment you step on to it the smell is released and it will definitely burn your nostrils.
c. Fully Dried:Â This variant is the most harmless! No worries here! Just dust your footwear and walk on!
Campus Times Pune Suggests:Â In case you are having a bad day and you accidentally step on the first two variants, then make sure you wash your legs as soon as possible because the smell spreads and it will definitely trouble the people around you. Don’t let it dry. I repeat! Don’t let it dry!
2. Buffalo Dung
Wondering what’s the difference between a cow dung and buffalo dung? Well, if you live in suburban part of Pune you will surely understand what the difference is. And for those who don’t know the difference well here’s the thing.
The viscosity of Buffalo dung is usually much lower than that of Cow dung. Dint get it? Ok I’ll make it  very simple for ya.
When Cow dung falls on the floor, the sound emanated is somewhat like this –> Pachaak
When Buffalo dung falls on the floor the sound emanated is somewhat like this –> Splotch
Too much water in buffalo dung causes it to spread over larger surface area. And if you step on it then it will be too gross! But the best part is that you can easily wash it off but just don’t let it go dry.
3. Bird Poop
The unfortunate thing about bird poop is that it’s highly precise! It just doesn’t matter where you are –> under a tree, on your bike, in your car, at a railway station or even under an open sky.
When it has to fall on you it WILL fall on you! The most common bird poop in Pune are of crows and sparrows.
A sparrow’s poop is cylindrical, dry, easy to get rid of and its cute! While on the other-side a crow’s poop is straight out of devil’s inventory! Its splotchy, greenish-white and very hard to clean.
Thought I saw a big scratch on my new car so I swiped it with my finger…
Good news: it was not a scratch
Bad news: it was bird poop
— Jonah Lupton (@JonahLupton) October 1, 2014
The most irritating fact about falling prey to bird poop is that it wall fall on the most visible part of your body! And when it falls on your hair, that’s when it gets really frustrating! In an effort to clean it, you will actually end up spreading it more!
And the best part of bird poop is that its surface area is small so you can manage to clean it but the smudge would stay though.
4. Human Softy
Human poops on open roads are still prevalent in suburbs. If given a choice between a human poop and cow dung, I will gladly step on a cow dung! Why? Guys because its human poop!!
The ice-cream shown above is only for representational purposes.
Chrome Yellow in color with a slightly rough texture (P.S: Texture depends on the bowel movements–> Terms and Conditions apply**) and when dried it turns dark brown. The odour of human poop is (**pukes twice**) yuck (unless its your own poop 😀 )!!!
The gross factor of human poop is too damn high! Look at the image above! Put your imagination skills to work! Do I need to explain more? I mean I can go on if you want. 😀
What to do if you step on human poop?
Throw your footwear! And apply for medically induced coma for a month so that the images of your footwear-covered-in-that-chrome-yellow-softy stops popping up in your thoughts.
**pukes again**
What? You wanna read more of this stuff?
Really????
**pukes again**
Click on like / share button below before you puke again and share it with others and be a Satan for a while. 😉
Febin Benjamin is ‘one -of-a-kind’ type of guy who believes in enjoying life to the fullest. Loves to joke on everything that comes across his sight. He is an engineering graduate from Pimpri-Chinchwad College of Engineering. Besides that, he is a regular blogger/content writer, occasional poet and has also served as an editor for a recently published novel.
